Pondering

On Saturday night, I ventured out to Knights Tavern (my neighborhood dive bar) to see Karen's boyfriend Chris play with his old band. Since it was just Knights Tavern, I wore a cute, but non-slutty t-shirt with jeans and flip-flops. At one point in the evening, I was trying to get the bartender's attention to buy another beer... with no luck. Karen made a comment along the lines of, "It's a shame you're not wearing a cleavage shirt." I replied with, "Well, it's a dive bar, I figured I'd just go with the jeans and t-shirt." Dooner overheard this and said, "It doesn't matter." What? Clothes not matter?? I questioned him further, but his answer remained the same. He claimed that men don't notice hair, make-up, clothes or shoes. Revolutionary.

But I wasn't convinced. When Rich arrived later, I asked him: "Do men notice clothes and make-up?" His answer? "Yes. But only if it's bad."

Is this true? Do men not notice the effort we put into going out? Even though I didn't get "dressed up," I still chose my clothes carefully. I straightened my hair and put on make-up and perfume. So if men don't care about that, then why do we bother?
Sure, I feel better about myself when I look good. I wouldn't feel attractive at all if I went out without make-up, or with frizzy hair, or with sloppy sweats.

Interesting. Very interesting.

So theoretically, I could go into a bar wearing sweats and no make-up and still catch a guy's attention. Theoretically. However, if all the other women in the bar were wearing nicer (or more revealing) clothes and make-up and accessories, they would look better than me. It's all about comparison. Men might not notice a woman's effort unless he had someone else's lack of effort to compare it to.

To take it a step further... women feel more confident about themselves when they think they look good, so maybe that's what men notice. Their confidence. But even when I make an effort, I still don't think I look as good as some of the other women in the bar... and I don't feel the same degree of confidence that they do... so men probably pick up on that vibe, which is why I don't get hit on in bars.

Whew. I feel like I just had a breakthrough.

So now I guess my new question is... how do I feel more confident about myself? I shouldn't need the validation of men (or women) to feel good about myself. Maybe that's been my problem all along. I'm too worried about what other people think of me.

I think my most attractive and desirable qualities are the ones you can't see... like my creativity, my talents, my intelligence, my sense of humor, my compassion. How do I get someone to notice those non-visual traits?

Let me clarify something. I don't think I'm going to meet my husband - or even a boyfriend - in a bar. I'm just trying to figure out why some women get more attention than others, especially if men claim not to notice things like clothing.

So, dear readers... Comment away. I'd be interested to hear what men and women alike think about this subject.