a night at the (movie) theater

Tonight, I went to see The Da Vinci Code with my parents. We went to the Franklin Mills Mall theater, hoping it wouldn't be too crowded at 7 PM on a Sunday night. We were right - there were only about 25 people in our theater. I sat back and settled in with my popcorn, preparing myself for the quality cinematic experience that only Franklin Mills can offer.

*At this point, let me state for the record that not a single part of this story has been fabricated.*

Just as the opening credits were rolling, a group of people walked in. Loudly. About three or four women (one of whom was carrying a baby who couldn't have been more than a month old), two guys, and a very young child (about 5 or 6 years old). They paraded to the back of the theater and proceeded to have a very loud discussion about who would sit where. There was much laughing and moving around during the first few minutes of the movie. Then, all was well. For about ten minutes. That's when Paul Bettany (Silas the monk) appeared on screen bare-ass naked and began beating himself bloody. Not at all appropriate for the 5-year-old.

These people didn't appear to have a clue what the movie was about, because they kept asking (very loud) questions. During the dialogue. Fortunately, that portion of the movie was mostly subtitled, so I was able to read what I couldn't hear. Several other audience members shushed the group, which only made it more difficult to hear the movie.

Then, three giggling women from their group left, running down the aisle stairs, to get snacks. When they came back in, one of them took a picture of the others (with flash) before they ran back up the steps. They were clearly unable to locate the remaining members of their party, because they kept calling to them, "Yo, where you at?"

After about fifteen more minutes of obnoxious interruptions (questions, comments, jokes, and a cell phone that rang and was answered), most of their party left the theater. For good, so it seemed. Only two people stayed behind. We were able to enjoy the remainder of the movie in relative peace and quiet.

And then... just when we thought we were safe... the people who left the theater came back in. Five minutes before the movie ended. This none-too-quiet conversation ensued:

"What's going on? What happened?"

"How was the other movie?"

"Good. This is still on? What's he doing? What's going on here?"

One girl began to mimic Audrey Tatou's lines, French accent and all. Much laughter from her friends.

Ending credits roll.

Laughter. "Oh look, we came back just in time!" More laughter.

You're thinking the story ends here. You're wrong. We left the theater, and happened to be walking behind this group out of the theater. They stopped not once, but twice, to take pictures of each other.

I am NEVER going back to Franklin Mills movie theater again.