Drowning.

My first week back at work went very well... until today. Some of you may remember when I blogged about the paycheck gap that we had to endure this year. If you don't, here's a summary: our salary is split into 26 pay periods a year. Our 26th pay fell on August 15th. Our first pay of the new year doesn't come until September, so we didn't get paid on August 29th. That meant three weeks between paychecks instead of two.

However, I mistakenly thought that our first paycheck of the new school year was scheduled for today. In all the confusion, I forgot that we're paid biweekly, so the first pay cycle of the new year ends NEXT Friday. So I actually had a FOUR week gap between paychecks. But because I thought I was getting paid today, I had budgeted everything based on today's pay.

When I found out that we're not getting paid until next week, I kind of lost it. I drove home in tears, in a panic about the bills that are due (or overdue) before that next pay comes. I've spent the past few months stretching my money, paying the minimum on bills, buying non-brand name products, using any coupon I could find, turning down opportunities to go to the bar, and transferring whatever money I could afford from my savings account. I literally have no money left to fall back on. I'm at rock bottom and it scares the shit out of me. I had to call my mother and ask to borrow money. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

This is not the life I wanted. I worked my ass off to get my degrees and my certifications so I can have the career I want. Despite all of that, I couldn't get hired by a decent school district, so I have to spend another year in the Catholic school... living paycheck to paycheck, cutting corners, making sacrifices. And now I have to take on a second job. It's just not fair. There are people who dropped out of college who get paid more than I do. I went to college so that I wouldn't have to work retail, so that I wouldn't have to work weekends and holidays.

I'm just so tired.

**Edited later**
I just re-read this blog and realized how bitchy I sound. I wanted to clarify, just for the record... I didn't mean to imply that I'm better than someone who didn't finish college or that I deserve more than they do or that working a retail job is bad. And I know I'm not the only one who has ever been in this position. I was just really upset when I wrote the blog. I threw a very public self-centered pity-party and didn't feel like being politically correct. Hope I didn't offend anyone.