Bride-Zilla's Wedding

Well, the wedding is over. And oh, what a night. I had way (WAY) too much to drink, but didn't wake up with a hangover. Quite possibly because I'm still drunk, but whatever. After I woke up this morning, I drank half of a bottle of Juicy Juice and ate 3 pieces of bacon. Breakfast of champions.

Where to begin? Let's see… yesterday morning I went to get my hair done. It took 3 stylists to figure out what to do with my hair (and the real red rose that had to go behind the right ear) and 2 stylists to actually make it happen, but the result was amazing. Went home, ate a quick lunch, got dressed and made it to the church on time. The bride wanted us at the church at 2 and the wedding was supposed to start at 2:30. However, she didn't show up until almost 3 (they're on Hispanic time ). The ceremony was beautiful, everything went smoothly and no one said the wrong name.

On to the reception! Joe met me there with two double A batteries. (Okay, the batteries were for my camera, but I thought it sounded funnier to say it like that.) Let me just preface the rest of my story by saying that Joe was an awesome wedding date. He kept me very well entertained, got me drinks all night, made me dance, and forced me to eat some fabulous dessert with bananas and rum and ice cream. Mmmmm…. sinful…

I didn't get a chance to eat breakfast yesterday morning, so my only meal was half of a turkey sandwich. And I started drinking as soon as I got to the reception. Needless to say, it didn't take long before I was completely trashed. I started with a vodka tonic, but then discovered that they had Stoli Vanilla… so I switched to Stoli V and ginger ale. I drank that pretty much all night. At one point, I went to refill my drink, and the bride's (hot) cousin was at the bar trying to figure out what kind of martini he wanted. I said, "You definitely want vodka" and he said, "Okay, sounds good." Then he ordered two of them and gave one to me. It was STRONG. I swore I couldn't finish it. Joe insisted I could. I did.

Highlights of the reception:

• I devised a plan to jump from the balcony and swing across the room on the chandeliers. It would have worked, damnit.
• I also came up with several creative alternative uses for my shawl (parachute, sarong, blanket…)
• When it was time to announce the wedding party, the DJ asked if we wanted any special song played. The bride started to say no, but I jumped in with a suggestion. And so we were introduced to "Hot in Herre" by Nelly. Hell yeah!
• My other big request for the evening was Young MC's "Bust a Move." We were rockin' it old school!
• The bride has a 10 year-old cousin who was macking it with FIVE different women. He came by the table periodically to ask me when we were going to dance. He was going to teach me how to salsa. I thought it was cute until Joe pointed out that he only came to talk to me when my shawl was off and my cleavage was visible. That's one smooth kid. I think Joe wanted to adopt him.
• Which brings me to the strapless ballgown. It looked lovely, but the top had a tendency to slide south when I sat down. I had to keep covering up or re-adjusting to make sure everything stayed family-friendly, if you know what I mean. Joe was no help in this area as he refused to tell me when my cleavage was becoming too prominent.
• One of the groom's nephews (about 11 or 12 years old) tore up the dance floor with a mean running man. Quite impressive.
• The dinner was soooooo good. Rice and beans! Pork! Sadly, it did little to soak up the alcohol.
• Did I mention the bride's hot cousin? Damn. He's 30 and from Puerto Rico, and he was quite the charmer. He was my eye candy for the evening, but unfortunately he was interested in one of the other bridesmaids. Strike one.
• And by the way, the 10 year-old mack daddy never came back to dance with me. Strike two. (Good thing I don't play baseball, cuz strike three was just looming on the horizon...)

I found out that Heather and company were going to be at the Blarney, so we decided to meet up with them after the wedding. She wanted me to come in my dress, but I decided to get changed. I did, however, keep the gold shoes and huge sparkly earrings. And my hair was still done. I must've been quite a sight. For some reason, I thought shots would be a good idea, so Heather and I enjoyed two kamikazes. And I had another Stoli V and ginger ale. Yikes.

We left the bar at around 2 AM (ish) and I opted not to join the others for pizza at Lorenzo's… but in yet another moment of stupidity (I had a lot of those last night), I decided to share someone's cigarette. I only do that when I'm extremely drunk. (Or when Tim McCabe insists that I smoke with him, because somehow he's under the mistaken impression that I smoke. This has happened on more than one occasion.) So Joe and I headed back to the car where we smoked another cigarette and I killed the mini bottle of wine that we got as a wedding favor. Got home at 4 AM, went straight to bed, and woke up at 9 AM.

All in all, a fabulous evening. It turned out way better than I thought it would.

Post-script: I had about three glasses of water while I was writing this. I'm quite dehydrated. And my throat feels scratchy from smoking. Damnit. I need some Gatorade.

Post-post-script: I haven't brushed my hair yet. I took out all the bobby pins last night in the car (some of them are probably still in the car... sorry, Joe!), and I put it in a very messy ponytail before I went to sleep. It's all stiff from hairspray and whatever else they used to make it look good. I'll have to go wash it soon. In fact, a shower would be a capital idea, since I can practically smell the alcohol coming out of my pores.

Post-post-post-script: I forgot about a hilarious conversation from the reception. It's too good not to share:

Little Mack Daddy (my new 10 year-old boyfriend) came over to our table to chat. He put his arms around me and told me how pretty my earrings were. Then he looked at Joe suspiciously and said, "Is he your assistant?"

"Yup," I said. "You could call him that."

Mack Daddy narrowed his eyes and gave me a sly look. "Is he your HUSBAND?" he asked, in that sing-songy way that 10 year-olds get when they talk about "icky" things like marriage.

I couldn't even hold in the laughter. "Noooo," I replied. "He's not that lucky."

"Good," said Mack Daddy, satisfied that he would have me all to himself.

I'm still laughing about that one...

let the countdown begin...

T-minus four days until Bridezilla's wedding. I haven't heard from her in about a week. She had sent an email to all the bridesmaids containing an updated list of instructions for the Big Day.

Highlights of the email:

• She apologized for not having transportation for the bridal party.
• She now wants us at the church at 2 PM instead of 2:15 (wedding starts at 2:30). I think that's weird, because usually the groom and groomsmen get to the church early and the bride and bridesmaids show up 10-15 minutes before the ceremony.
• The rehearsal is now an hour earlier, which means I'll have to stay late at work and go from there. It won't make sense to go home and drive back, especially with the traffic at that time of day.

Anyway, I started preparing myself for Saturday. Mentally and physically. I have an appointment to get my hair did. Oh, and my toenails are painted HOOKER RED. Yeah, that's right. Hooker red toenails with gold heels. I'm gonna be one classy gal.
Just think, in a few days, you won't have to hear about this wedding anymore. I guess I need to come up with something new to talk about. Suggestions welcome.

the saga continues

Bride-zilla's bachelorette party was this past weekend. I knew nothing about the party at all, until about a week beforehand. When I was at the bridal shower in March, I had asked the maid-of-honor if we were doing anything for the bachelorette party. She said she'd be in touch via email to let me know. She didn't. The bride-to-be mentioned it briefly in the Word document of wedding details that came attached to an email she sent the bridesmaids about a week and a half ago. All it said about the bachelorette party was that it would be on April 14th. No time, no location. I finally had to email her to get specifics. She said we were going to meet at the Olive Garden on 13th and Chestnut at 8 PM, followed by dancing at some bar. Okie dokie.

When I called to let her know I'd be going to dinner, she said I could park at her mother's house and get a ride in her sister's car. Then on Saturday night, she called me at 7 PM (about 15 minutes before I left the house) to tell me that her sister didn't have room in the car. (It's her special day... It's not my wedding... Take deep, cleansing breaths...) So I said I'd drive myself. No big deal.

I got into town in record time and drove around looking for a spot. Finding none, I called bride-to-be and asked her where they parked. I figured we could all walk back to our cars together after dinner. She said, "My sister dropped us off at the restaurant, she's parking now. I don't know where she is." (Deep cleansing breath…)

So I opted for the closest lot and started walking toward 13th and Chestnut in the rain. I got to the intersection and looked around. No Olive Garden. I walked along 13th from Chestnut to Walnut. Then I crossed the street and walked from Walnut to Market. No Olive Garden. I walked back to the intersection of 13th and Chestnut again and called the bride. Got her voicemail, but didn't leave a message. I kept walking, this time along Chestnut from 13th to 12th and then back down Chestnut to Juniper. No Olive Garden. I called bride again and left her a message.

I finally called my mother, who looked it up on the internet. It was WAY down on Chestnut, near Broad. I don't know why bride told me 13th and Chestnut. Anyway, when I finally got there, they were still waiting for a table. (Bride-zilla looked at her phone a few minutes after I got there and said, "Oh, when did you call me?") We had reservations for 8 PM and didn't get seated 'til 9 PM. But we had the most fabulous waitress. A very colorful Puerto Rican New Yorker with a front tooth prominently missing. She called all of us "mami" and made lots of jokes about our "wild night." Oh my.

The dinner itself was fun. Quite the diverse crowd. If Angelina Jolie wanted to adopt a bachelorette party, this was the one for her. Four Hispanics, one African-American, two Chinese-Americans, one Malaysian, and two white girls (myself included).

Like I said before, the bridesmaids get along really well. I just wish we had been able to get together to plan some of these things. When Melissa got married, Kelly and Katie and I did most of the shower planning, we chipped in for a shower gift, we got together to make the favors. When Erin got married, a group of us got together to make cute little favor bags for the bachelorette party. But for this wedding, the maid-of-honor has done everything, despite offers to help. I think it would have been fun for us to do some of the planning together.

Speaking of which… One of bride-zilla's friends got her a tiara to wear, and one of the bridesmaids got her a present (pajamas) and a bachelorette party novelty pin to wear out. I kinda felt bad because I didn't think to get her anything. But if the bridesmaids had a chance to plan this, I'm sure we would have done more.

Anyway. I promise not to talk about the wedding again until AFTER the actual wedding. Unless bride-to-be says/does something crazy before then. We'll see.

more about the damn wedding

The bride-to-be called me the other day, to "catch up" (aka - talk about the wedding). I had to keep reminding myself... It's her special day... It's not my wedding... It's her special day... It became my silent mantra. I hung up feeling even more annoyed.

A list of things that annoyed me:

~ She asked me if I was bringing a guest, and I said I wasn't sure. She said, "Oh, I thought you'd bring Heather or Becky, or one of your girl friends that I knew." Is it just me, or does anyone else think bringing a female friend is completely strange? Furthermore, why would she assume that I wasn't bringing a male guest? Damnit. I could find a guy to bring if I wanted to. I think.

~ And while we're on the subject... she confirmed that everyone in the bridal party is bringing a date/guest. The table situation at the reception will be loads of fun. Kinda like being a third wheel on a date, but with extra couples. (I might have to take Joe up on his offer after all, to avoid that whole ordeal.)

~ The salon she's going to get her hair done doesn't take appointments. We just have to show up early and "hope for the best." (It's her special day... It's not my wedding... It's her special day... ) There are 6 people involved with the wedding that are planning to get their hair done there. I'm thinking I'd be better off getting my hair done in the Northeast and paying for it myself (bride-zilla had offered to pay for us if we went to the salon near her house). Can anyone recommend a good place?

~ And sadly, the transportation situation hasn't changed. I'm still driving myself to and from the church and reception.

I was at a small staff party after work today, and my co-workers asked about the wedding. They were appalled at the lack of organization, especially since the bride-to-be taught at our school for a few years, and everyone who worked with her knows about her anal-retentive attention to detail.

The faculty began discussing weddings they've been in (or been to). Several of the older staff members recall when each groomsman drove the bridesmaid that they were partnered with. (I've never heard of that, but my mother confirmed it.) The younger teachers talked about busses, trolleys, limos, stretch SUVs... and the fun of riding with the wedding party. Nothing like chugging a beer on the way to the ceremony, eh?

Anyway, four faculty members are going to the ceremony, and two of those four are going to the reception. They started talking amongst themselves to work out a ride situation for me, because they've all seen the dress and they agree that it wasn't made for driving. The conversation went sort of like this: "Okay, so if you drive to the reception hall and leave your car there, I can pick you up on my way to the church... then the sisters can drop you off at the bride's mother's house and you can get someone from the wedding party to drive you to the reception. Then you can drive home." At this point, my principal broke in with, "No, if you're driving home, that means you can't drink. That's no fun." (I like the way she thinks...) "So what if you get one of your parents to drop you off at the church, then after the ceremony you can come back to the convent with us for awhile, and we'll drive you to the reception. Then you can take a cab home." And so on. So at least now I have some options. It just seems like a lot of trouble.

Anyway, I just needed to vent all that. And now I feel a little bit better.

(It's her day... It's her special day... It's not my wedding... It's her special day...)

KIT

I'm in the process of cleaning out my closets looking for stuff to sell at a flea market. (Teachers are pack-rats... deciding what to get rid of has been a painful process...) I came across my old yearbooks and in an act of supreme procrastination, I decided to flip through them. But it wasn't the pictures that held my attention. It was the heartfelt messages left by friends and classmates. Here are a few gems for your entertainment...

5th Grade

Good luck in the future. K.R. (Clearly 5th grade was quite the turning point in our lives. I'm not sure which future she was referring to, since we still had 3 more years of school together.)

I hope we play this hot summer. See you in 6th grade! R.R. (I still speak to this person. And she still writes ridiculous things on my birthday/Christmas cards. Go figure.)

6th Grade

Have a fun summer! (Ha, ha, ha!) Yours truly, C.K. (Apparently the thought of me enjoying my summer was quite amusing to him.)

Have a wierd summer you dunce. R.C. (I still speak to this person as well. And if he called me a dunce now, I'd hit him over the head with a chair, I would. Did you spot the misspelled word?)

Have a great summer. Your a terrific pal or friend. Keep in touch. B.K. (I'm glad she defined "pal" for me. I'd hate to spend my summer at the library looking that up. While I was there, I might have also checked the spelling of the word "you're"...)

Surf's up dude! Have a great summer! B.W. (Yeah. No comment.)

7th Grade

Your sprung from jail for 3 1/2 months. Have a good time! M.P. (Another heinous misspelling of the word "you're"!!!)

Party on! Bag me lots of sun and have lots of fun! Your bestest friend, K.C. (Interesting... I had to look this person up. I had no idea who she was.)

Hope you have fun all summer long! B.M. (Not just one or two days, mind you. The WHOLE summer.)

You're my bestest friend and if I ever see you with Jordan I'll kick you're butt. Love, C.H. (I do know who this bestest friend was. And the Jordan she's referring to is none other than Jordan Knight. Of NKOTB fame. We were so lame. Did you find the misspelled "your" in this message??)

Hi! T.J. (He has quite a way with words...)

8th Grade (This is where it gets really profound.)

Yo Age, have an awsom summer. Were your bobo jeans. Yours truly, L.L. (I don't know how I was friends with a person who would write something like this.)

Age, I hope you fall off a building and die. (Joke!) PS – Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! PPS – Good luck in Ryan - a happy note! C.W. (This boy used to stick a plunger on his bare chest for fun.)

Age, it's been a blast knowing you for the past 8 years. Just remember, LIFE IS FOAM. C.K. (I have no idea what it means. But I'm sure it was important at the time.)

Have a great summer! Even though we don't talk much, I think your a great person! Good luck in Ryan! Love ya! T.R. (Like, ohmygod! She totally speaks in exclamation marks! And she thinks I'm great! Based on absolutely nothing! I'm so honored that I'll ignore the misspelled "you're"!!!)

(Side note: What totally kills me is that a whole bunch of people that never talked to me wrote their phone numbers in my yearbook. Like after 8 years of not being friends, they wanted to start hanging out over the summer.)

9th Grade (The high school years! Careful… you might recognize your initials here!)

My handwriting sucks. Have a good summer. Party on. G.W.

Yo Gomer! What's up? See ya next year. K.K.

10th Grade

Moshi moshi. Don't staple your lungs together. PS – Did you have time for your yeast infection yet? E.M.

I failed my Spanish exam. I'm going to kill somebody. Anyway, have a great summer and see you next year (if I make it). R.R.

Good luck as a junior. Hope to see you and the rest of the escapees over the summer! Good luck with Dr. Fritz. PS – Stop hogging the cheese danishes. T.G.

It was nice having you in all my classes (except gym) so I can get my homework. Next year the committee can try to figure out what Greg is. B.M.

11th Grade

I must admit that thanks to you this has been a very interesting year. Next play we can resume our guy watching (especially Rick's manly buttocks!) M.S. (I don't remember anyone in high school having "manly buttocks"…)

Have a nice summer. Don't spontaneously combust or anything. Lab was fun! Keep in touch (not literally). L.P.

I hope I don't see you this summer. I'm rather sick of you. I hope you have an icky summer. E.M.

Have a really crappy and shit-like summer. (Oh hi, Mrs. Adrienne's mom.) I dispise you 4-ever. G.W. (I had some great friends that year )

I'm gonna spare you my senior year. The senior year entries are more like novels than messages. People tend to get all mushy when you're graduating.

I don't remember anything I wrote in anyone else's yearbook... I just hope my messages didn't sound as dopey as these.

weddings. blech.

I'm in a wedding at the end of the month. I have been in two weddings in the past three years, and I've been to several others. This one, however, takes the cake. I've never been involved in such a bizarre wedding. First there was the shower situation. I got an email from the bride's sister (maid-of-honor) in November asking us to save the date for the shower (March 17th - blah!). I sent an email back to her and the other three bridesmaids introducing myself and offering my assistance with planning, cooking, favor making, etc. I included my email address and phone number. I never heard from any of them. Weird.

Then, sometime in February I received an invitation to the shower. About a week later, I got another email from the maid-of-honor letting us know what her mother would be cooking, and asking if we could bring two dishes to the shower. She also wanted to know if we had ideas for shower games. Mind you, this was two weeks before the shower. I sent an email back to everyone saying what food I would bring, and offered my assistance yet again with decorations and preparation. The maid-of-honor emailed me back, but still nothing from the other bridesmaids.

(Just so you know, I got a chance to meet the bridesmaids at the shower, and they were all very delightful people. Apparently they're not big on email. I don't know.)
So here's my latest wedding gripe. The bride-to-be emailed all of the bridesmaids last night with some last minute wedding details. I found a few of them a bit... odd. At least compared to the other weddings I've been involved in.

First of all, the bride-to-be said that she and her sisters are getting their hair done at a salon near them. If we (the other bridesmaids) want to join them, it would be her treat. However, I'm assuming that if I chose to get my hair done elsewhere, I'd have to pay for it.

Then she said if we plan to get ready at our own homes, we should be at the church by 2:15 (wedding starts at 2:30). She also mentioned that the reception hall has valet parking. So does this mean there's no transportation? I have to drive myself to the wedding in my red satin ballgown and gold high heeled sandals? I've never been to a wedding that didn't provide transportation for the bridal party. I'm not sure if there's a parking lot at the church, or if I'll have to park on the street and walk (in my gold heels and strapless ballgown) to the church. God, I hope the weather is nice.

Also, she included the date for the bachelorette party, which is next weekend. This is the first I've heard about it, and I already have plans for that day. Now I have to rearrange my plans (which isn't a huge deal, but still...) so that I can be there for the bachelorette party. I have no idea what the plans are. The bridesmaids weren't involved in the planning of that, either.

And finally, in her email the bride-to-be mentioned that there would be no head table, so we would be sitting with our guests. I also found out that I am the only bridesmaid not bringing a guest. The maid-of-honor is married, and the other three bridesmaids are either dating or engaged to someone. Lovely.

Which brings me to my next complaint. If you're not dating someone, who do you bring to a wedding? I don't really have any male friends. Most of the guys I know are the boyfriends/fiances/husbands of my female friends. Ugh. This sucks.

So if you feel like going to a wedding on April 28, email me. All you have to do is show up for the reception in a suit and keep me company for a few hours. Free food and drinks!

And if you have any wedding horror stories to share, or you would like to comment on my complaints, feel free. (Come on, recent brides and brides-to-be... I know you wanna tell me what a bitch I'm being! Go for it!!!)