"Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone."

My January weekends are pretty darn full, thanks to my decision to accept as many invitations as possible. For example, this past Saturday I was invited to a martini party (which unfortunately got cancelled due to snow), and I saw the Philadelphia Orchestra perform Mozart's Requiem on Sunday. Simply breathtaking.

When I made the resolution to improve my social life and accept invitations, I was only thinking of planned events... parties, sporting events, dinners, etc. I never thought about the spur of the moment plans. Here's the thing: I like planning. I like making plans ahead of time, knowing what to expect, being prepared. The idea of spontaneity appeals to me in a "Dead Poet's Society," carpe diem kinda way, but since the very definition of "spontaneous" involves a lack of planning, I never quite got the hang of it.

So this weekend I wound up with an opportunity for spontaneous plans two night in a row (both times with the same person, lol). It didn't occur to me to turn the plans down. Maybe that's a sign of me becoming more flexible. I don't even know if that's a good thing. Being spontaneous is outside of my comfort zone, so I'm going to say it's a good thing. Branching out is good. Staying in my hole is not good. Even if it's warm and cozy in there.

Confidence building is tricky business. There are times when I feel like I'm forcing it to happen. I wake up and I look in the mirror and I start finding things wrong with the way I look (although, in my defense, no one looks good when they roll outta bed in the morning). And then I catch myself being negative and try the positive instead. I guess I could argue that I'm trying to unlearn a bad habit by doing that... but how long will it take before that kind of thing comes naturally? When will I stop second guessing myself? I'm just having trouble finding my balance. And as a Libra, that's not a good thing. I like everything evened out... I want everyone happy. (Even if it means I don't get exactly what I want. You can see why putting myself first has been such a struggle in the past...)

I'm certainly not saying that all of my good moods are fake. In fact, most of the time tricking myself into confidence actually works. It's those few quiet minutes in my day, when I have time to myself... that's when it all breaks down. That's when I think this was a bad idea. And those few moments of doubt can be so much stronger than the hours of confidence. Sometimes it feels like I undo everything I've accomplished when I let myself entertain those thoughts. I'm my own worst enemy that way.

Fuck it. I'm gonna have to push past it and get through this.