Face(palm)book.

Facebook is a wonderful thing. When used properly. Of course, there are no real "rules" for how to use it, but there are things that I see every day that annoy the crap out of me. I'm sure I've been guilty of one or two of these things over the past few years, but some people are repeat offenders. They need their Facebook privileges revoked for a few weeks. Just to give them time to think about what they've done.
   
So anyway, what follows is a comprehensive list of things that annoy me about the people who use Facebook. Keep in mind that I don't have an actual problem with the people who do these things... most of them are friends of mine. In fact, if they read this, they will recognize themselves in one or more of these points. Also, I'm sure there are things that I do on Facebook that annoy other people. Like mentioning coffee every morning. And posting "Let's go Flyers!" every time a hockey game is on. And taking pictures of my beer when I go out to eat. And posting song lyrics that are meaningful to me, but probably no one else.
   
(Funny story... when I told two of my friends that I was working on the outline for this post, both of them were able to guess most of the points I had listed. That tells me that a: they know me really well and b: these things annoy other people, too!)
   
The List (without apology or explanation)
   
General Pet Peeves About the Status Message

• People who have their child or pet as their profile picture. (Yeah, I started with that. I smell hate mail coming soon.)
• Poor grammar, spelling, punctuation, writing in all caps
• Anything that a middle/high school kid would post: WrITinG LIkE tHis, <<<<<<3, overuse of OMG LOL LMAO ROFL, and writing extra letters to make a point... OMGGGGGGG I loveeeeeee himmmmm...

      

Specific Types of Status Messages

• The Vague Status: "I just don't know what to say anymore," "I can't believe it!" (This is a huge cry for attention and you know it.)
• The Passive Aggressive: "Don't tell me how to live my life/raise my kid/do my job. If you don't like it, then shut the f*ck up!"
• The Personal Message as Public Status: "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me!" "You're the reason I wake up every morning!" "I love you, shmoopie!" (If the intended recipient of this message is on Facebook, then post it directly to his/her wall. If this person is NOT on Facebook, then get off the damn computer and go tell them!)
• The Daily Schedule: "Breakfast, errands, gym, cleaning the minivan, taking junior to sports event, and then family ice cream time!" "Time for shower and bed!" 
• The Specifics: "Doctor's appointment at 2 PM, then gym at 5!" "Working til 6, dinner, then bed before midnight!" (You're just making it easier for people to stalk you. Or rob your house.)
• Messages to People Who Don't Have a Facebook Account: (And if I didn't piss people off before, this will surely do it...) "Happy 90th birthday, Grandmom!" "Happy 1st birthday little Mikayla! Mommy loves you!" "Merry Christmas, Uncle Ken! I know you're celebrating with us in heaven!" "I miss you every day, Great Aunt Tillie!" (My problem with this is mostly the wording. If you said something like, "I can't believe my baby is 1 already!" or "Thinking about my grandmom today. I know she's celebrating with us in spirit," then that's more acceptable. To me, anyway.)
• Constant Negativity: "My life sucks," "I hate my job," "I never catch a break," "I can't believe this happened again," "Why does this always happen to me?" "Of course I didn't get the job/house/man... nothing ever works for me!" (If this happens more than once a week, it makes me want to delete you from my friend list.)
• Everything's Zen: "Life is wonderful!" "I'm so blessed!" "My friends are my the best!" "The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, I'm in love and everyone should feel as glorious as I do RIGHT NOW!" (There's nothing wrong with being happy, but when you're constantly posting stuff like this, it makes me think you're trying to convince someone. Or convince yourself.)
• Too Much Information About Your Child: "Junior pooped twice this morning, we're waiting on his third!" "Sally did the cutest thing today! She climbed into the chair with her babydoll and pretended to feed it a bottle! Could you DIE from the cuteness??" "Megan threw up 3 times last night and has a temperature of 102. Time for another trip to the ER." (And don't try to tell me that this only annoys me because I don't have my own children.)
• Re-posters: "Copy and paste this if you love your daughter!" "Copy and paste this if you have a cousin that means the world to you!" "Copy and paste this if you hate disease, war, and famine!" "If you love your mom, put this as your status for the next hour!" (So if I DON'T repost this, does that mean I hate my mom?) 

   

I'm sure I'm missing a few things. Feel free to comment and add your own. Or comment and tell me I'm a bitch. That would be fun, too :)